My Life Story

My name is James and I'd like to tell you about myself. I am 28 years old and I have lived in Las Vegas for sixteen years. I grew up in Riverside, California, and moved to Las Vegas when I was in the seventh grade. As a senior in high school, I began using marijuana. Two years later, I was introduced to methamphetamine. I will begin by telling you about my introduction to drugs, how it affected my life over the next eight years, and how my life became dedicated to the sole purpose of maintaining my drug habits. I will then go into the remarkable event that happened on February 13, 2006, and how I then made a choice that would change my life forever.

It was my last year of high school, and it began like every other. Then my friend's brother introduced me to marijuana, which became a daily habit. It was my escape from everything, which didn't seem to be a problem for me at that time. Before I knew it, negative things were happening in my life. I dropped out of college after only one year. I also had a hard time holding a job and all my money was being spent on marijuana.

In 1998, another friend of mine told me about a different drug, methamphetamine. Over the next few months, I occasionally smoked and snorted it. At first I didn't care for it, but the high eventually caught my interest and I ended up using it daily. At this point in my life I didn't understand that I was dependent on the drug. I was using a quarter gram to a half gram of meth per day. I didn't have a job so I was often asking my parents for small amounts of money. They kept track of how much they were giving me, suspecting it was for drug use, and began to limit my spending money. It became very hard to maintain my daily habit. Toward the end of the year I decided to inject meth for the first time. This was a turning point for me; my life continued to go downhill at an unexpectedly rapid pace. I met other people and got close to some of them. There was a married couple, in particular, who I had gotten to know very well. I saw the devastating effects that meth had on their family but didn't correlate that to myself and how my usage was affecting me. Then the wife crashed her truck into a parked bus, broke her neck and died instantly. That was the first time someone close to me had died. I couldn't really comprehend what had happened and going to her funeral was extremely tough for me. In November, I was arrested for being under the influence of meth and possessing drug paraphernalia. I ended up staying off the drug for a few weeks, but got back on it with a vengeance.

 I've always believed that a person who hasn't used chemicals before cannot fathom what the experience itself is like. I'd like to explain in more detail all that was involved with my using drugs, from the task of acquiring it, to the high itself, and everything after and in between. The impact that my choices had on my life was very devastating. Whether it involved relationships, emotional stability, spirituality, financial issues, or health-related issues, the results were always the same. However, only when I examine my past can I learn from it as well as let the healing process begin. Hopefully, this also lets you, the reader, either learn from or relate to my experiences and come away with a new sense of understanding.

The cycle of addiction had to start somewhere. Before I was able to actually use the meth, I had to somehow obtain it. With the exception of about one year (2003 through 2004), my experiences in acquiring the drug were absolutely horrible. First I had to get the money, and because I was unable to hold a job, it tended to be somewhat difficult. I went to my parents quite often, using excuses and other manipulative tactics to get cash out of them. When not doing that, I turned to other means for currency. This included selling drugs, stealing, borrowing, and fronting drugs from my dealer. Meanwhile, the various groups of people that I associated with were, for the most part, very dishonest and untrustworthy. For these reasons, getting the drugs was usually a very time consuming procedure. Depending on what was going on at the time, it would take anywhere from an hour all the way up to several days to get the drugs. People would sometimes leave with my money and never come back and there were times when I was given drugs that were no good or given an amount that was no where near what I had paid for. Evading the police was another challenge that I had to constantly partake in. Getting caught with drugs or while committing a drug-related crime was not a goal of mine, and I went to great lengths to avoid that from happening. Regardless of my efforts, at one point or another, law enforcement always managed to catch up with me. The consequences of my actions included jail time, counseling, drug court, probation, and fines. Even with the court's intervention, I still chose not to stop using drugs.

In the first few years of my addiction, I mostly smoked or snorted it. After a while, the effects from doing it this way wore off. The trick with this drug was to keep doing it more and more, and hope that at some point the feeling from the very first high could be realized once again. In reality, this was an impossible task to accomplish. The more I smoked or snorted this drug, the higher my tolerance became. I then made the choice to administer it to myself intravenously. This went on for upwards of six years and turned out to be one of the worst decisions I had ever made.

Being as I used meth intravenously for the majority of my addiction, I will examine that particular type of experience and what it was like for me. I had a lot of problems with the injection process, at times having someone else help me with it, but for the most part, doing it myself. Sometimes it would take hours to actually get the "hit" and nearly every time my arms were left bruised, swollen, and punctured extensively from hand to elbow. The initial feeling, or the "rush", literally took my breath away. I usually coughed several times, unable to breathe for a few seconds. A feeling of extreme euphoria came over me and I felt a tingle go through my body. This rush was caused by injection into the bloodstream and the immediate release of dopamine that followed. The average length of time that this feeling continued for was around thirty to forty-five minutes. During this time, I felt as though I was the most satisfied person in the world, similar to the excitement of winning a progressive jackpot after only putting a dollar in. Many times, I chose to leave where I was at, usually because I was at someone's house using their bathroom, or in the restroom at a gas station or some other business. Getting in my car and driving away was always a poor choice, but that's exactly what I did. I was often unable to see clearly and sometimes I was shaking profusely. I was unable to maintain a clear-thinking process and my interpretation of what was going on around me was completely obscured. Many times I would attempt to make a plan of where to go or what to do, only to have it ruined by my inability to focus. On other occasions, my attention would be caught by something, anything, and the whole purpose of what I had decided to do would be lost. Being as the high was so intense and I was experiencing extreme feelings of paranoia, I also found myself sticking to activities that didn't involve other people and being in public or enclosed spaces. I usually drove around in circles with no destination in mind. There were also many times when I would find a secluded spot, park my car, and go for a long walk. Further complications included extreme dehydration, made worse by my profuse amount of sweating and inattention to the need to drink fluids. I also tended to lose my inhibitions, which caused me to make some careless and unwise decisions. I often let my guard down and would sometimes pay for it later.

After the initial rush from injecting the meth wore off, I felt myself slowly coming down, still high, but not as much. At this point, the intolerable desire to once again feel that rush would set in. If I still had meth in my possession, I would head to the nearest restroom and once again endure the arduous task of injection. Once it was accomplished, I'd promptly leave where I was at. The extreme state of mind and paranoia returned, only this time more so. If, however, I didn't have any more meth, my false sense of satisfaction dissipated and was replaced with a very real feeling of despair. Immediately, I tried to think of a way to get more drugs. Being as I couldn't retain a thought for very long and my otherwise normal brain function was not working properly, I soon gave up on this problem, at least for the time being. My reactions, not only to this but also to the negative effects that the drugs were having on me, included high anxiety, depression, and overall mental instability. I'd eventually make my way home, only to be confronted by my parents, or in later years by my girlfriend. There would be lots of questions and very few answers, and none of it really mattered to me as all I really thought about was how I was going to get my next high. This cycle repeated itself over and over again. I would find myself staying up for days, even a week at a time and then going to sleep for a day or two. After I woke up, it seemed like what had happened hadn't really happened at all, almost like it was a dream.

There were also a couple of times I had injected so much meth that I nearly overdosed. One time in particular, I was at a casino, where I found myself shooting meth in the bathroom. Once I came out, I could barely walk. My whole body was shaking incredibly and I imagine it must have looked like I had Parkinson's disease. Somehow, I made it out of the casino and over to my car. I recall looking toward the main street and seeing a police car drive by. I got in my car and proceeded to drive away, scared and paranoid, but happy that I had attained this powerful rush. I don't remember what had happened after that. I've actually tried countless times to recall the events of that day but have had no success. It scares me to think about it, especially now that I am sober. I could have died, being as the meth was so strong and I had injected such a large amount. However, I am here today and I can't help but thank God for that. In my eyes, it is nothing short of a miracle.

When I began using drugs, I was in my senior year of high school and preparing to go into college. The direction my life went from there was straight down. All that I had hoped to accomplish was instantly left behind and replaced with the irrational desire to get high and stay high. I lost contact with practically everyone who was close to me, with the exception of my girlfriend and family. They went through some very tough times with me, and when I was high, my demeanor was nothing short of atrocious. The meth brought out my inner demons, for sure, and I was usually left in a chaotic state with violence eventually becoming my means for dealing with life’s problems. There were also health problems associated with my continued drug use, including extreme weight loss, high blood pressure, and collapsed veins among other things. When I was put in Drug Court and on probation, I became very spiritual. After I had completed those programs, I chose to go back to using chemicals. My newfound spirituality was all but forgotten and meth had once again become my God. It seemed that everything good that could possibly come out of life was destroyed by the use of this drug.

The start of 1999 began with me being kicked out of my parent's house for continuing to use drugs. I stayed with several different people during that time, and was eventually allowed to move back in. Around October, things became worse and my parents decided, once again, that it was best for me to move out. My dealer, at the time, offered to let me stay with her until I could find somewhere else to live. After moving in with her, I found myself using meth more often than before. There was another person staying there, who assisted me in injecting the meth, since I didn't know how to administer it myself. My dealer then persuaded me to go steal things and would give me meth in exchange for these items. This resulted in my arrest for burglary which occurred in February 2000. It didn't even phase me because I was continuing to use drugs. When September came, I went before the judge and was sentenced to probation. After only a month, my probation officer violated me for continuing to use drugs. I was reinstated with an added condition, to enter and complete the Drug Court program.

Being in Drug Court was a tough period in my life as I wasn't ready to quit using. For the first year of the program, my drug use continued and my probation officer violated me three more times. At one point, I had bought a car, only to have it stolen by someone I was using drugs with. Finally, I decided to stop using meth and was able to complete the program. I stayed clean for around a year and half and in 2003, I was honorably discharged from probation. Soon after, my old dealer got in touch with me. She was in bad shape with no food and without a steady place to live. I met up with her and gave her a little money. I had no intentions of using that night. She asked me to help get rid of a few quarter grams to help her out and I told her that I was staying clean. However, she persisted, and I ended up taking the drugs, telling her that I'd see what I could do. That was the beginning of the end for me.

I met up with my best friend, who had just moved back into town. I talked it over with her, and we couldn’t decide whether or not to do it. Needless to say we did. Unfortunately, that ended up leading to daily use for both of us, and at that point we decided to try to turn our purchases around and make money instead of simply losing it. We became very "successful" starting out with three and a half grams, and over the course of a year, building it up to anywhere between eight and sixteen ounces every other day. We were turning it over, all throughout the city, and were able to rent a house, buy vehicles and basically afford anything we wanted. My habit also skyrocketed to where I was consuming between three and four grams of meth per day. I didn't really know what was even going on around me as I was so consistently high and detached from reality. Around this time my memory also started to suffer. I noticed short-term as well as long-term memory problems, and the more meth I used, the worse it got. Living the "high life" came to an end in mid 2004 when we were nearly arrested. Fortunately, no major legal problems came out of it.

From that point on, my life continued to spiral out of control. Without the never-ending supply of drugs and money, the dissatisfaction I felt with myself and where my life was going was even more apparent. Although I felt this way, it didn't stop me from taking the relationship with my best friend further. She and I started having relations while her son and husband moved back to Wisconsin. Last year, with the financial support of my parents, my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment. Our drug use continued and my rage and frustration grew way out of control. We consistently fought and ended up being evicted from the apartment. This pattern kept repeating itself and we ended up moving in and out of five apartments. My girlfriend also received a large sum of money and we ended up wasting it away on drugs, among other things. Meanwhile, my temper got even worse, and before I knew it, I was arrested for domestic violence. Then I had a disagreement with my brother and was again arrested, only this time it was for battery/domestic violence.

I never thought that I would have the courage to face my demons, or reality. On February 13, 2006, I met with Steven Brox, the President/CEO of United States Justice Associates. My irresponsibility in complying with the courts had caused me to call him and request help with the case. I wasn't expecting much to come out of this meeting, except maybe to acquire the workbook. Instead Mr. Brox took the time to sit down with me and discuss what was going on in my life. It seemed, however, that he saw potential in me that others, including myself, had yet to see. He showed me that I am somebody who has a lot to give to the world. I now know that I am important and have much to offer to society, especially other people who have the disease of drug addiction. When I walked in, I had no intention of quitting drugs; when I walked out, I had every intention of staying clean and made the decision to change my life. The feeling I had at the time was unlike anything I could ever remember feeling. It is the greatest feeling in the world. It is the feeling of hope. During the previous ten years, I hadn't felt that and nothing positive had happened in my life. Since that day, I have regained so much that I had lost. This includes self-esteem and self-worth, pride, confidence, happiness and respect. Other aspects of my life also changed. I started to set goals for myself, achieved them, and continue to do so. The results of setting goals included the rebuilding of my relationship with my girlfriend, as well as my family, maintaining active employment, sticking to a budget and paying the bills on time and in full.

I hope I can share my experiences with others to let them know that there is hope out there, sometimes even in the most unexpected forms. Insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. Now, I fully understand the quote, "It's In Your Hands". I would like to give a special thanks to Steven Brox, who gave me the confidence within myself to change my life.

They say that addiction can lead you down three roads: jails, institutions, or death. The decision to stop using drugs was the best decision I ever made. It was when I realized there was hope out there that I took my life in my own hands and changed my destiny. I have faith now, not just in myself, but in everything and everyone. As I think about my past, I can see how my choices led me to a life of insanity and destruction. I can finally learn from my mistakes and ensure that history doesn't repeat itself. I have come to discover there is a light at the end of every tunnel.
 

* The name of this defendant was changed to protect his identity.

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